Wild Thing

Today I walked to the docks at the yacht club and watched an egret eating breakfast along the shore for half an hour while listening to Bjork's "Medulla". Listening to Bjork while taking a walk is really interesting, because it's not like the upbeat get you pumped up kind of music but more the quiet observant creeping peeling back the skin of the world and wondering about its contents kind of music. I watched the egret walk through the water, climb on the jagged slippery rocks and watched it's long yellow toes balance and carefully tread through the shore. It never once looked at me in alarm, always concentrating unwavering on the task at hand, peering carefully, every once and a while grabbing a small wriggling fish, it's fins translucent in the morning sun, some brownish grey, others a pale orange, clamping down on it once and swallowing it down its long neck. I watched it, this "wild" animal, no care in the world but to feed and survive. Is that what it means to be wild? To only have survival on your mind?
On the way home I heard a crack like a rock had been thrown at me, only to find it was a raven that had dropped half of it's seed or nut shell in the road. Another time I noticed small paw prints in the sidewalk, made from a wandering cat from when the cement was still wet.
We humans have created such a comprehensive and well-functioning society, able to take care of all our physical needs, so that sometimes we forget about nature and God and the dependence and vulnerability we once had in relation to the elements. But somehow the wild still creeps into our societies, reminding us that there are still some things we cannot control.

Why I Shouldn't Be A Blogger

You see this, now this is why I should not ever try and be a serious blogger! Leaving off a week into a 30  day challenge and then not posting for 4 months, haha...

A lot has happened during that time involving my struggles with depression and finding my path in life. I've made some big decisions and I'm really excited to be making my life into the vision I want it to be. It's fulfilling, but a lot of work and learning!

Anyways, the reason I'm back is, well, first of all, I've decided to be a web designer. I'm still going to school and learning the very very basics right now but to get some experience under my belt I decided I'd give my blogs a facelift and use them as practice pieces for design. But how embarrassing would that be to potentially put on my portfolio if the posts were like a year old and I had left off in the middle of a 30 day challenge? Sad!

So I'm really not a great blogger, but I do have some things worth sharing from time to time that I want a place to put so I guess this could be it? And I guess my old posts aren't bad, I guess.

Anyways. Not sure if anyone still reads this, but just an update. :)

7. A song to drive to

"Mind Storm" by Joe Satriani. Perfect for cruising.

6. A song that makes you want to dance

"Ophelia" by Kaya. I went through a phase when I was absolutely entranced by industrial dance, and even practiced in front of the mirror by myself. \(//∇//)\ This song has just the right beats to make me wanna dance and pull out some of my industrial moves again.

5. A song that needs to be played LOUD

"Falling Sparrow" by Masterplan. It just does.

4. A song that reminds you of someone you would rather forget about

"Frozen" by Within Temptation. I wouldn't say there's anyone that I want to forget, since I think all experiences have been key in making me who I am, but this is probably the closest. This was my dealing-with-a-break-up song after I ended a poisonous relationship in high school. This feeling of "You tell me I'm frozen, but what could I do?" that I felt bad cutting off all ties with him but had to end it for my own sanity and well-being. At this point I wouldn't care if I saw him again, but I'm not about to seek him out either, we'll just see if we ever cross paths again.
There are a lot of Within Temptation songs that have special meanings in my life. They used to be my favorite band but sadly I haven't been too happy with their direction lately.

 

3. A song that reminds you of summertime

"Summer Breeze" by Seals and Croft. The ultimate feel-good song. It reminds me of summer vacations walking around in Belmont and smelling the honeysuckle and jasmine growing off the fences in the bright sunlight. If there's two scents I love more than anything in the world, they are vanilla and jasmine. Whenever I see a jasmine flower I think of this song and start believing that summer is near.

2. A song you like with a number in the title

"2 Minutes to Midnight" by Iron Maiden. A New Year's Eve tradition for me since high school. But that aside, this is one of my favorite Maiden songs - catchy rockin guitar riffs, interesting melodic bass line, brutally anti-war lyrics. I had the opportunity to see these jolly Englishmen last year, we were so far in the back on the lawn we could barely see them, but just sang along with the rest of the 10,000 people, just normal looking people, singing along to songs that you don't hear on the radio. It's a neat experience. Not to mention the pyrotechnics and stage animatronics make them the most expensive stage show I've ever seen.
Iron Maiden is pure fun and genius, gotta love these guys.

1. A song you like with a color in the title

I'm doing another 30 day thing because I'm bored, snagged this one off tumblr about 30 different songs.
"Kurenai" by X Japan ("kurenai" means "crimson" in Japanese). X Japan is THE epitome of Japanese rock music, they are wildly popular and sell out arena shows on a regular basis. Even though I've known about them for a very long time, I didn't get into them until recently. Their music is compositionally pretty simple, but X Japan has powerful and emotionally moving melodies and lyrics. Yoshiki has been suicidal throughout his life, and the lyrics are just very honest and poetic in a way that I think really touches the human condition, and they have really been a strength to me in recent times. One of my life's goals is to see X Japan, they came to California 3 years ago and played 2(!) Bay Area shows, but naturally, I was in Utah at the time (and not really a fan yet). They said they would come back soon. I'm still waiting...
X Japan songs are usually either a power ballad or a rockin speed metal song. "Kurenai" is both. Enjoy this classic...

To Get Lost on I-80

The other day we were in the city trying to find our way home and a lightbulb went off in my head and I turned to Matt and excitedly said, "Did you ever realize that this is where I-80 ends?" I definitely used many gestures and voice inflections trying to explain the significance of the fact that the highway that stretches from sea to shining sea, so to speak, ends right here in our own backyard.
Some days I imagine myself shooting past my freeway exit for work and driving, out past the mountains, past civilization, into deserts and tumbleweed salt flats, away from all my problems and surrounded by nature. I fancy myself to be a Ben Kenobi type, the hermit, and also a wanderer and a nomad. I'm not so much a city-lite to need the constant buzz of civilization and to keep up with current events. Nay, I would not have drank the hemlock but rather would have left Athens with my cloak and walking stick and wandered the Mediterranean until the day I departed the earth. Lizards and twigs would be my company then, but life's a bit more lavish these days - we have video games.
Sometimes I forget how close freedom actually is. There are no physical laws limiting us from freedom, just societal obligations and monetary needs. Is that why there is a whole subculture of people who have shunned those things nowadays? While I am far from dreading my hair and buying a steel frame backpack and a dog to hitchhike along the coast, I am still in search of my manifestation of
freedom

Ennui

February is the worst part of winter to endure. There can be random sunny days when you think it's almost summer and you start wearing only light sweaters out and then BAM it rains and is stormy and you freeze and get colds and your internet is down and then your husband is clever and fixes the internet so now I am getting ready for a weekend in, being sick, and hopefully on the internet. (Yes, this is my life.)

THIS is what you call summery weather for President's day weekend. I wanted to get out and do something out of the ordinary for us in the city (our usual being record stores and Japantown) so I decided to do the take-a-touristy-picture-in-front-of-the-bridge trip. It was the PERFECT weather for doing it.

(Be jealous.)

But half the joy of going to the city is just driving through and looking at all the people and buildings, and this is a blessing but mostly a curse, because ever since then I have been secretly dreaming of being a city girl and moving to the city and being around young people again and doing exciting things and getting out of suburbia and cookie cutter this and that and the usual chain restaurants and boringness. Ennui, ennui!!

So yesterday I went window shopping in Walnut Creek at Urban Outfitters and Free People - I wanted to go to those indie/hipster stores since they were a little out of the ordinary and the most eccentric you get without going through the tunnel to Berkeley. I discovered that Urban isn't really my thing (except they DID have these stars/galaxy shirts that I was secretly in love with), and Free People had the most gorgeous and well-made cream lace long skirt I have ever touched in my life (you had to touch it to get the full experience) and also it is a boutique, which I didn't know beforehand (and I feel all special now because I've learned a lot about boutiques from buying lolita) but in the end I only bought stuff from H&M because let's face it, I spend too much money mail-ordering from Japan to spend much on anything else. But Walnut Creek was very peaceful, and it was a beautiful day out and I even ran down the street for half a block because my parking meter had expired 2 minutes ago and I didn't even find a ticket on my dash! Priceless. This is how I adventure.

Inspiration

Happy Thanksgiving weekend! I hope you are enjoying the time off work/school if you have it. Unlike my teacher husband who has weeks off at a time, I rarely get more than 4 days off in a row in the course of a year, so this is a special occasion for me. Naturally, my body decides to get sick -_-* Oh well, but what do you do in the wintertime besides stay home and watch movies and animes anyways, right?

Right now we're watching "Chuunibyou Demo Koi ga Shitai!" (中二病でも恋がしたい!) which is a super cute show about kids who used to/still think they are really mages who know magic and stuff. I love it because it's cute and hilarious and also I can relate to it on many levels. 

But anyways...

All this time off has also been giving me time to think about what I'm doing with my life (or lack therof) and sending me into panic mode (and I know that's like, all I talk about nowadays, so I'll spare you the details), but then I found a song that seems to calm me down these days... 

It's been a long time since I've been blown away by music, but I can just listen to this song over and over again and remain in a stupor, just in awe of how beautiful and expressive Kaya's singing is. What's funny is I've always found Kaya's mannerisms creepy, so I never gave his music a chance, but now I am in love with his music, this song. It calms my nerves, and gives me strength to carry on despite all these uncertainties. Also I love how he walks the fine balance of trying to sound effeminate to match his image, but also taking advantage of his deep rich singing voice... truly spectacular. 

What color is your soul?

Grey, I thought, most unromantically this morning, my soul is a dove grey color today. Guys, I've been feeling not like myself of late - I have no intense cravings to buy something from cdjapan, my music doesn't consume me like it normally does, I'm not looking up plane tickets and making lists of places I want to see in Japan, I feel fine just dressing normal and I'm not itching to try different gothic or visual kei makeup styles - leading me to ask myself, who am I even, today?
Dove grey. Don't get me wrong, this isn't like, a symbol of gloom and depression, I love doves. The coo of a mourning dove still recalls to my mind my childhood in Redwood Shores, waking up to lazy sunlit weekends and doves outside my window. Grey is just, grey. The comfort of a cashmere sweater. Soft down. Nothing flashy, nothing shiny, just, grey.
Who am I and what are my aspirations? Still a question that keeps haunting me when my time stands still outside the bounds of my obligations.
I went to the city a few days ago for the Epica concert, met up with some friends for dinner in a more touristy part of town that I normally don't stray into. I watched as stylishly dressed young girls my age walked into the street in their heels to wave down a taxi. 8 o'clock at night, and hordes of people still roamed the streets, whether they be on their way home from work or on their way out with their friends, I knew not. What are you doing here and what kind of jobs do you have, I mused. What kind of strange lifestyle is this, and would I enjoy it, I wondered.
The world is still at my fingertips, and there are many decisions to be made. Meanwhile, my dove grey soul is ready for some hot chocolate.

These are a few of my favourite things.

Misty mornings. Sleeping in and waking up to soft sunlight falling on my blankets. Macarons. A place where I can be alone with lots of trees. Duck ponds. Headbanging. Driving over bridges at night. A good book. Feeling a fast double kick drum in your chest at concerts. Getting a package from Japan. Unagi. When Mana updates his blog. When someone writes me back the same day. Recognizing a tune in Celtic folk music. Hot chocolate. Corpse paint. Petticoats. Blastbeats. Things that look like something you can eat. The smell of jasmine blossoms. Star Wars. Finding the north star. Staying up late with people you love and getting really ridiculous. The Hobbit. Finding something online that expresses all my feels. Staring at the flame of a candle.

Monochrome Frame

I made shadow puppets with the reflections of my hands in the tv. By themselves they're just hands, but with the fingers interlaced my hands became celtic knots or owls, facing each other they're like a sorceresses hands, or an anime magical girl's. Shapes, expressions, emotion. Fascinating what you can see when you look beyond the immediate form and purpose of things.

In the meantime, I'm counting down to some epic concerts and a certain dress to come in the mail...

Requiescat in pace

Today I drove through the local cemetery just to see what all the hype was about. I hear a lot on the internet about people (more specifically, goths) hanging out at cemeteries like it's just the thing to do. At first I thought it was kind of weird and irreverent, and I thought I would be too uncomfortable to do that kind of thing, but I did, and it was kind of really awesome. There's a very safe feeling there, that's the best way to describe it. It was peaceful and magical, and so different from the surrounding town. It was interesting seeing all the different styles of tombstones, some obviously more modern, some seemingly homemade, and some more archaic and opulent, like all the gothic cemetery photography I see online. It was neat, like all the different time periods coalesced into one on that hilltop. Is it irreverent to like hanging out there, or are those people glad to have someone stop by and read their names, someone to visit? Maybe they don't want all the awkward silence, maybe they want some more liveliness.

:)

Jpop Summit 2012

Last weekend we went to the Jpop Summit Festival in Japantown, watched the h. Naoto fashion show, browsed around the vendor booths, and ate ramen. I saw the most lolitas I have ever seen in my life, and everyone looked so magnificent! It was rather cold that day and I felt like I looked very windswept the whole time, but anyways, here's some pics! (from my phone, forgive the bad quality >_<)

(h. Naoto Gramm and Frill fashion show, the designer's in the pic on the right, with the red and black skirt!)

f

(me, derping around)

As for the loot, I bought a new little hat/hair accessory (worn above), as well as my new little friend:

Jedi Master

Once upon a time, I was a padawan. Let us not forget that one spring break during high school when I spent over half of it reading The Hand of Thrawn trilogy. Nor let us forget the time I did my makeup like Queen Amidala and wore an old maroon velvet dress and posted pictures on livejournal.
As hard as I try to see Star Wars as just a cheesy space opera made in the 70's, I can't - I can't help but feel a resonance deep within myself that reaffirms that this is indeed my favorite movie, that there is something special about this trilogy, something that has irrevocably become one with who I am.

Yoda is my jedi master, and at times like these when I feel like I'm losing myself, it helps to look to him for guidance. I fear I've become dangerously close to losing control of my emotions and giving in to the dark side. Anger, fear, hate - emotions I've kept quite well under control for a lot of my life, but now I am finding difficult to suppress. It's time for me to revisit my old jedi master.

Peace, love, George Lucas and tauntauns...
<3 p="p">

The Good Life

It's one of those days when I am feeling really unrealistically nostalgic for Utah and consequently eat lots of jello. Sometimes I miss the Utah-me, I miss my old bravery and creativity and ability to find meaning and wonder in everything. Now I live a life of a hermit, constantly struggle with nihilistic thoughts, and am just about ready to sell my soul for money. Was it the place and time or just my frame of mind that's changed?

I literally almost cried over my degree the other day - I've been angry at myself for making such a poor life decision, leaving me with all of my nonexistent career opportunities. But today I realized, what if that's it? What if that intellectual stimulation is what's missing right now? I do firmly believe that studying philosophy helps enrich your life. Why have I quit? I'm masking my emptiness by living for the next concert, the next convention. Maybe it's time to get over myself and pursue the good life again.
I'm at a weird turning point in my life right now where I'm approaching my past through the lens of an adult and trying to mend past relationships and struggling to overcome anxiety over past fears that are no longer anything to worry about. Sometimes I'd rather be 700 miles away back in Utah running away from my problems than so close to home... but so be it, this is where the Lord has led me.

Firsts

Some time ago I realized, I am almost halfway through this year, and there's still a lot I want to accomplish that I haven't yet! So I grabbed a friend and up and went to Japantown, dressed in full gothic lolita garb, fake eyelashes and all, spent lots of money, and had lots of fun. Could you imagine if I lived in the city? I would practically live in Japantown, and be forever broke!
So I had a couple "firsts" on this last Japantown trip:

1) First time eating a dango! I watched Clannad sometime last year, gushed over how cute Fuko and Nagisa were, cried during Clannad Afterstory... and of course a main theme in that show is the "big dango family" so when I saw a dango stand in the shopping center, I jumped at the opportunity to get one. So, I guess they're basically just mochis on a stick, which I didn't know before, but these ones from Japantown were especially good, really fresh tasting. :3

2) First time eating a macaron! (I told you I was going to, didn't I?) Not gonna lie, I didn't have high expectations because I had eaten a frozen packaged one a few weeks ago, and I was like, "that's it? that was dissapointing..." But when I went to buy one at the New People Cinema cafe, it was amazing. The real ones are chewy, and the filling is better, and there's even a secret hidden filling in the very center that's like an explosion of flavor and it is soooo good! Success!

3) First time buying "brand"! I bought that h.Naoto sweater that is on the poster I have in my room from their grand opening, I've been ogling it in the picture for months, and now I own it and keep it on a dress form in my room, which serves as my lolita clothing mannequin/awesome room decoration. The shop girls were so nice, and there was so much pretty stuff, and I just thought, how many times am I just gonna come and go and never buy anything? You only live once. So I bought it!!! And I'm gonna wear it to the Rhapsody concert in a few weeks! What's funny, is I have now been at 2 events where I could have met h.Naoto himself, but I didn't. I didn't really have a desire to before, but apparently he's a really awesome and friendly person, so maybe someday I will, since we seem to cross path quite often ^_^

Until next time, and don't stop adventuring!