To Get Lost on I-80

The other day we were in the city trying to find our way home and a lightbulb went off in my head and I turned to Matt and excitedly said, "Did you ever realize that this is where I-80 ends?" I definitely used many gestures and voice inflections trying to explain the significance of the fact that the highway that stretches from sea to shining sea, so to speak, ends right here in our own backyard.
Some days I imagine myself shooting past my freeway exit for work and driving, out past the mountains, past civilization, into deserts and tumbleweed salt flats, away from all my problems and surrounded by nature. I fancy myself to be a Ben Kenobi type, the hermit, and also a wanderer and a nomad. I'm not so much a city-lite to need the constant buzz of civilization and to keep up with current events. Nay, I would not have drank the hemlock but rather would have left Athens with my cloak and walking stick and wandered the Mediterranean until the day I departed the earth. Lizards and twigs would be my company then, but life's a bit more lavish these days - we have video games.
Sometimes I forget how close freedom actually is. There are no physical laws limiting us from freedom, just societal obligations and monetary needs. Is that why there is a whole subculture of people who have shunned those things nowadays? While I am far from dreading my hair and buying a steel frame backpack and a dog to hitchhike along the coast, I am still in search of my manifestation of
freedom

Ennui

February is the worst part of winter to endure. There can be random sunny days when you think it's almost summer and you start wearing only light sweaters out and then BAM it rains and is stormy and you freeze and get colds and your internet is down and then your husband is clever and fixes the internet so now I am getting ready for a weekend in, being sick, and hopefully on the internet. (Yes, this is my life.)

THIS is what you call summery weather for President's day weekend. I wanted to get out and do something out of the ordinary for us in the city (our usual being record stores and Japantown) so I decided to do the take-a-touristy-picture-in-front-of-the-bridge trip. It was the PERFECT weather for doing it.

(Be jealous.)

But half the joy of going to the city is just driving through and looking at all the people and buildings, and this is a blessing but mostly a curse, because ever since then I have been secretly dreaming of being a city girl and moving to the city and being around young people again and doing exciting things and getting out of suburbia and cookie cutter this and that and the usual chain restaurants and boringness. Ennui, ennui!!

So yesterday I went window shopping in Walnut Creek at Urban Outfitters and Free People - I wanted to go to those indie/hipster stores since they were a little out of the ordinary and the most eccentric you get without going through the tunnel to Berkeley. I discovered that Urban isn't really my thing (except they DID have these stars/galaxy shirts that I was secretly in love with), and Free People had the most gorgeous and well-made cream lace long skirt I have ever touched in my life (you had to touch it to get the full experience) and also it is a boutique, which I didn't know beforehand (and I feel all special now because I've learned a lot about boutiques from buying lolita) but in the end I only bought stuff from H&M because let's face it, I spend too much money mail-ordering from Japan to spend much on anything else. But Walnut Creek was very peaceful, and it was a beautiful day out and I even ran down the street for half a block because my parking meter had expired 2 minutes ago and I didn't even find a ticket on my dash! Priceless. This is how I adventure.

Inspiration

Happy Thanksgiving weekend! I hope you are enjoying the time off work/school if you have it. Unlike my teacher husband who has weeks off at a time, I rarely get more than 4 days off in a row in the course of a year, so this is a special occasion for me. Naturally, my body decides to get sick -_-* Oh well, but what do you do in the wintertime besides stay home and watch movies and animes anyways, right?

Right now we're watching "Chuunibyou Demo Koi ga Shitai!" (中二病でも恋がしたい!) which is a super cute show about kids who used to/still think they are really mages who know magic and stuff. I love it because it's cute and hilarious and also I can relate to it on many levels. 

But anyways...

All this time off has also been giving me time to think about what I'm doing with my life (or lack therof) and sending me into panic mode (and I know that's like, all I talk about nowadays, so I'll spare you the details), but then I found a song that seems to calm me down these days... 

It's been a long time since I've been blown away by music, but I can just listen to this song over and over again and remain in a stupor, just in awe of how beautiful and expressive Kaya's singing is. What's funny is I've always found Kaya's mannerisms creepy, so I never gave his music a chance, but now I am in love with his music, this song. It calms my nerves, and gives me strength to carry on despite all these uncertainties. Also I love how he walks the fine balance of trying to sound effeminate to match his image, but also taking advantage of his deep rich singing voice... truly spectacular. 

What color is your soul?

Grey, I thought, most unromantically this morning, my soul is a dove grey color today. Guys, I've been feeling not like myself of late - I have no intense cravings to buy something from cdjapan, my music doesn't consume me like it normally does, I'm not looking up plane tickets and making lists of places I want to see in Japan, I feel fine just dressing normal and I'm not itching to try different gothic or visual kei makeup styles - leading me to ask myself, who am I even, today?
Dove grey. Don't get me wrong, this isn't like, a symbol of gloom and depression, I love doves. The coo of a mourning dove still recalls to my mind my childhood in Redwood Shores, waking up to lazy sunlit weekends and doves outside my window. Grey is just, grey. The comfort of a cashmere sweater. Soft down. Nothing flashy, nothing shiny, just, grey.
Who am I and what are my aspirations? Still a question that keeps haunting me when my time stands still outside the bounds of my obligations.
I went to the city a few days ago for the Epica concert, met up with some friends for dinner in a more touristy part of town that I normally don't stray into. I watched as stylishly dressed young girls my age walked into the street in their heels to wave down a taxi. 8 o'clock at night, and hordes of people still roamed the streets, whether they be on their way home from work or on their way out with their friends, I knew not. What are you doing here and what kind of jobs do you have, I mused. What kind of strange lifestyle is this, and would I enjoy it, I wondered.
The world is still at my fingertips, and there are many decisions to be made. Meanwhile, my dove grey soul is ready for some hot chocolate.

These are a few of my favourite things.

Misty mornings. Sleeping in and waking up to soft sunlight falling on my blankets. Macarons. A place where I can be alone with lots of trees. Duck ponds. Headbanging. Driving over bridges at night. A good book. Feeling a fast double kick drum in your chest at concerts. Getting a package from Japan. Unagi. When Mana updates his blog. When someone writes me back the same day. Recognizing a tune in Celtic folk music. Hot chocolate. Corpse paint. Petticoats. Blastbeats. Things that look like something you can eat. The smell of jasmine blossoms. Star Wars. Finding the north star. Staying up late with people you love and getting really ridiculous. The Hobbit. Finding something online that expresses all my feels. Staring at the flame of a candle.

Monochrome Frame

I made shadow puppets with the reflections of my hands in the tv. By themselves they're just hands, but with the fingers interlaced my hands became celtic knots or owls, facing each other they're like a sorceresses hands, or an anime magical girl's. Shapes, expressions, emotion. Fascinating what you can see when you look beyond the immediate form and purpose of things.

In the meantime, I'm counting down to some epic concerts and a certain dress to come in the mail...

Requiescat in pace

Today I drove through the local cemetery just to see what all the hype was about. I hear a lot on the internet about people (more specifically, goths) hanging out at cemeteries like it's just the thing to do. At first I thought it was kind of weird and irreverent, and I thought I would be too uncomfortable to do that kind of thing, but I did, and it was kind of really awesome. There's a very safe feeling there, that's the best way to describe it. It was peaceful and magical, and so different from the surrounding town. It was interesting seeing all the different styles of tombstones, some obviously more modern, some seemingly homemade, and some more archaic and opulent, like all the gothic cemetery photography I see online. It was neat, like all the different time periods coalesced into one on that hilltop. Is it irreverent to like hanging out there, or are those people glad to have someone stop by and read their names, someone to visit? Maybe they don't want all the awkward silence, maybe they want some more liveliness.

:)